Pregnant in Cornwall: here’s how to find your future mum friends…
I’ve never met a pregnant person who’s said (and genuinely meant it) that they want to do the journey to parenthood totally without any friends or family by their side. And that’s why I reckon cave people had it easy.
Sabre-toothed tigers and ice ages aside, they existed in tight knit groups that were all about supporting one another. No pregnant woman ever had to worry about being alone during labour, during birth, during those long newborn days or the even longer newborn nights. They lived in tribes, tight-knit communities that were designed not just to protect, but to nurture and forge a sense of belonging.
And when it comes to bringing babies into the world, that is everything.
But fast forward a few millennia, and things have changed…
We’ve been raised to be strong & independent women. We live alone and are mistresses of our own universe. But that has consequences for our baby-making days…
I’ve been mulling this over for a really long time, and not just with my doula hat on. This thought process started in the early days of my own first postpartum period. Six years later, I’ve got it nailed.
As I see it, the problem is this…
the current generation of birthing parents, were born (on average) somewhere between 1980 and 2005.
this was an era characterised by one thing: independence.
our youth and education was focused on us becoming autonomous, decisive and totally unreliant on others.
BUT…
pregnancy, birth and postpartum are primarily not social events: they’re physical & biological, and take us into a more primal state,
humans are - in a biological and evolutionary sense - a herd mammal: we operate best within a network of people that accept and understand us, and who we feel we can trust.
raising a baby is intense; doing it alone is beyond any known description of ‘hard work’.
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see that these two sets of values clash a bit: the society we’ve been bought up in, as filled with Girl Power as you like, has done the current generation of birthing women zero favours because we simply can’t win as new mothers.
If we do what society expects, and retain the sense of proud independence and autonomy that we’ve been conditioned into having and are used to maintaining, then our primal needs are often not met.
If we follow our primal needs and seek out consistent and focused help, whether that be from friends or family or someone else, we risk being perceived as not coping or not strong enough for motherhood.
… and this is all even more complicated when you’re a new parent who lives in Cornwall.
We all know that life down here is different to the rest of the country - that’s why we’re here. But it’s important to know that our way of life affects our pregnancies, births and postnatal journeys…
Again, this isn’t rocket science. The Cornish way of life is a beautiful and glorious thing, but having gone through two postnatal journeys here as a local - not to mention as a doula watching it all - I know that it can creates problems for people with a new baby:
Yes, our community spirit is strong, but in Cornwall that’s more about the culture than locality. Many of us belong to communities that are more to do with our work and our social interests (creatives? tech? food? surfing?) than the people in our immediate vicinity. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we know our neighbours or that our family lives nearby
Are you going to ask a stranger for a jug of milk after your baby has cried through the night, possibly through their walls? Or invite them in for a cup of tea in the middle of the day because you haven’t seen another adult in 6 hours? No, I didn’t think so.
The natural world is everywhere, mapping the distances between villages and towns. When we seek it out, nature can be inspiring. But when we can’t see another known human being because of it, that sense of isolation can be overwhelming.
Going for a walk for some fresh air is great for your mental health, but when it continues the monotonous silence of the day, that walk isn’t going to fix your loneliness, even if the sea view is great.
A slower pace of life means less to see and do, and more time to appreciate the little things. But that’s zero help when you’re running on four hours sleep, have run out of interesting toys to play with and are counting down the hours until your partner gets home.
All those ‘exciting’ Cornish things that filled the day before - the sea swimming, the clifftop walks, the long and lazy pub lunches by the beach - aren’t always baby compatible.
I realise how moany and whingey this sounds; that’s not my intention. Nor am I saying that new parents in Cornish have it harder than anywhere else in the country.
But what I am saying is this: as a local who experienced two maternity leaves in Cornwall, and as a doula who supports countless families through the days, weeks and months of early family life, I know that navigating the postnatal period and your maternity leave in Cornwall is more difficult than one might initially imagine.
The truth is that life for a new parent in Cornwall can be very isolating…
… and acknowledging that is the start of doing something about it.
Isolation goes against the needs of our primal brain, and in the first weeks and months of the postnatal period that can be really damaging. On a national level, as many as 20% of new mothers experience symptoms of postnatal depression or other mental health conditions during their pregnancy and first year of their baby’s life. While there are a host of reasons for these conditions to develop, isolation is often a key player.
The good news is that this is being paid attention to and the NHS in Cornwall have taken steps to support the mental health pregnant women in Cornwall:
RCHT maternity services have started offering birth planning and postnatal discharge sessions, delivered by midwives, in groups to allow families to meet other pregnant people and new parents at the same stage of the journey as them, and within their local area.
The perinatal mental health team run by Cornwall Partnership NHS Foundation Trust provide, ‘women affected by a moderate to severe mental health illness in the preconception, antenatal and postnatal period. They promote wellbeing during pregnancy, prevention of relapse and assists with birth planning.’
While services are an incredible support to expectant families in Cornwall, they aren’t the only solutions…
Cornwall has lots of ways for new parents to meet each other & make friends!
The trick is finding one that fits your vibe and works for you…
I’m a pregnant mum-to-be: join us at Bump Brunch!
This monthly meet-up is the pregnancy social of dreams. Always set in an eatery that you’d genuinely want to go, Bump Brunch brings together the holy triad of good food, comfortable settings and all the birth and baby chatter that your pregnant heart desires. Everyone at the table arrives as strangers, but you wouldn’t know it by the end: birth plans are discussed, numbers are being swapped and Whatsapp groups are created.
Bump Brunch is open to all pregnant folk, so whether you’ve just seen those two blue lines or are past your due date, we’d love to meet you. Bump Brunch is free to attend but booking is essential.
I’m a dad-to-be: join ‘The Walking Dad’s Club’ !
Father, husband and men’s life coach, Joe Coyne knows the peaks and troughs of life for men supporting pregnancy and birth, as well as the rollercoaster of parenting life. He also saw a huge gap in support for men going through this journey; in his own words, ‘there are so many groups for mums and babies, but what about the dads?’.
‘The Walking Dad’s Club’ answered this call: meeting fortnightly in Penzance, the relaxed and laid-back space allows dads at all stages of parenthood, including pregnancy, to come, have a coffee and a chat, get some fresh air and simply be in the company of others who know what it’s like to be them.
We’re expecting a baby together, so want to do something together: join a group antenatal course!
This is very much a ‘two birds, one stone’ approach: not only do you get to meet some other couples at a similar stage of their pregnancy journey as you, you get to learn the information and skills you’ll need for the adventure at the same time.
While there are a whole host of group antenatal options in Cornwall, my group courses are specifically designed to balance these two needs:
my groups are small: there are never more than six couples at a time
our activities are designed to get you learning, but also talking & getting to know each other: discussion, collaboration and problem solving means that you’ll spend each of our three sessions going deeper into the birth space as well as finding your future friends.
your connection goes beyond the sessions: your group will have a private Whatsapp space (optional) which is set up a few days before our course begins and stretches for months after. It only closes once we’ve had out postnatal meet-up, where (if you haven’t already) you can see each other en-masse once again and meet each other’s babies.
Finding friends once our baby is here might be better: join us at ‘The Nest’!
Let me be clear: this is not a baby-group. The Nest is and always has been a space that is unapologetically all about the parents. And believe me when I say that this is a great place for finding friendship during parenthood.
There’s no loud music, no jazz hands, no cliques; just the time and space to play, chat, giggle and gurgle with people who know what it’s like to be you. And two years into ‘The Nest’, I am always overjoyed (but never surprised) when I see Nesters finding their friends at the mat, swapping numbers and creating their own playdates… the added bonus is seeing them and their babies on the socials frolicking on beaches together months and even years after they’ve outgrown ‘The Nest’. It’s lush.
‘The Nest’ runs weekly for babies from birth to just-about-crawling (and their grown-ups), and monthly for babies who are mobile up to the age of two. Booking is essential.
The simple fact is that humans were never meant to do the journey from pregnancy to parenthood alone: finding the people who get it, and get you, can be the game-changer you really need to navigate this adventure with confidence.
While the options above are designed to cover all bases, they might not suit you - and that’s ABSOLUTELY fine. But that doesn’t mean you’re screwed. Ping me an email, tell me what you’re looking for and I bet I can point you in the right direction.
