Birth doula insights: the comments made during a birth that have changed me …

Here’s a fact for you: the way a baby is born always teaches the people who are there something.

After supporting a birth, I’ll often spend weeks reliving it: the highs and the tricky bits, the things that happened and the things that were said. And the reality is that the more births I support as a doula in Cornwall, the more I see these memories shaping the birth support I provide and the doula that I am…

The memories we have shape the people we become: fact.

To someone who’s just given birth, this information is power. 

But to a birth doula like me, understanding this process is absolutely critical to my professional practice.

Psychology, specifically memory, has always fascinated me and I often find myself bringing this knowledge into my antenatal classes and doula support. Not to show off or be fancy and scientific, but for one simple reason: 

‘The emotions experienced in childbirth and during the postpartum period shape the awareness, memory and new identity of being a mother.’ (Pereda-Goikoetxea et al, 2022)

Ultimately, the birth of our baby is a huge milestone in our lives, and the emotional memories we collect during the event will have long-lasting effects. This idea is echoed in the huge number of other studies that explore the impact of birth on parent-baby attachment, breastfeeding rates and all manner of other postpartum and postnatal topics.

As a doula, an antenatal teacher but most importantly as a mother myself, I know that memories are key part of the birth puzzle. We bring our memory based knowledge to our birth experience and we’ll always walk away with new ones.

Understanding the long lasting effects and influences of what we have seen, heard and felt - and knowing how to use that knowledge for our own benefit - can really change how you prepare for birth and postpartum: tapping into your own experiences can make any antenatal classes or birth preparation you do, or birth support you receive, so much more effective.

As a doula, I’m not giving birth but I experience your labour intensely....

Therefore it’s totally logical that I’ll take away memories of the things I’ve seen, heard and done during labour, delivery and the postnatal space…

There are some (not loads, but some) studies out there that explore how experiences of supporting birth affects midwives,  but I am yet to find any studies that delve into the effects that supporting births have on doulas. 

I choose to not be cynical about this (#fundingissues!), but simply observe it as a thing and accept that I can only go on anecdotal evidence when drawing my conclusions.

As a practising birth doula in Cornwall who spends her working life actively being in antenatal, birth and postpartum spaces, I know that the experiences I’ve had and the memories I carry are actively shaping who I am. 

Now, I don’t want to be all ‘insta’ about this - it’s important to be honest. Some of these memories are totally glorious but others are as heavy as you like. Nonetheless, they’re all valuable to me; they’re shaping the doula I am today (and the one that’s yet to come). 

While some have disappeared, there are those which have been so powerful, such big milestones for me, that they don’t disappear. If I’m honest, they’re so game changing for me as a human being that I am not sure they ever will.

The most powerful things people have said to me as a doula…

… and how they’ve changed how I work as an antenatal teacher and birth doula in Cornwall.

1.“You worked miracles there” (midwife, anon) 

The situation: my birth doula client's labour was stalling to the point where midwives were considering leaving the home birth; but I knew I could help. After an hour and a half of targeted biomechanics work (a skill set few NHS midwives that I’ve met have or feel comfortable using), labour had progressed. To the midwives attending, this was unexpected - I don’t wish to be cynical but I don’t believe they expected anything that I was doing to work, but it did. But there was no hard feelings: everyone in the room was just as relieved for things to progress!

Why it’s stuck in my memory: this was a lightbulb moment. I’ve always known that my skill set as a doula is unique to me, but to see it work above all other’s experience in the room and bring my client closer to her birth, was so exciting. It deepened the respect I have for my own knowledge and skills in the birth space.

The change I’ve made: sharing this not-rocket-science birth knowledge is now a much more focused part of my antenatal classes and birth support - I know the difference it makes and I want my clients to take this on for themselves. In group antenatal classes, the strategies and skills are part of the antenatal resources and home learning / birth preparation structures, while it is something I can cover more specifically with private antenatal clients in a hands-on way.

2. “The moment you walked through my front door - at the very moment of need - and put your arms round me … there was a power that overcame me and carried me through the final moments of bringing my baby earth-side.” (Natalie, doula client) 

The situation: she won’t mind me saying that her labour was a very rapid one and baby was born not long after I arrived. Honestly, all I did here was walk into the room, hold her up and tell her to go with her body. As a new doula at this stage in my career, I walked away thinking I’d not done much. But then she told me this (and yes, I cried a little!)

Why it’s stuck in my memory: her incredible words emphasised what I knew deep down but perhaps wasn’t giving myself permission to really acknowledge at this early stage in my doula life: I don’t just bring a skill set to birth, I bring everything of me. And the people who are drawn to me often need that spirit, personality and reassurance more than any rebozo work or negotiation. Who I am to them, what I create in them, is what may well be the game changer in their birth experience.

The change I’ve made: it gave me a genuine trust in myself and the connection I have with my clients. If we ‘click’ when we first meet, then I am the right doula for you. This is now a huge part how I meet and initially sign with new clients - we go to relaxed coffee places, or for some food (yum) and I’ll be my normal self. If the vibe is good, chances are the doula fit is right too.

3. “It’s so lovely when you’re doing labour care [paperwork & documentation] knowing that your birth person is still having consistent one to one care… providing amazing knowledge and confidence for them.” (midwife, anon)

The situation: the vast majority of my clients plan or end up giving birth in Treliske hospital’s maternity unit. While I know my value in the space, when you’re working on another professional’s turf it has the potential to feel a bit awkward. But this comment from a delivery suite midwife turned that on its head for me.

It had been a long and tricky birth; there had been a lot of professionals in the room that I didn’t know and had never worked with before. After working for 2 days on 3 hours sleep, my brain was done and understandably the doubts of whether I’d supported my clients as well as I could have done were naturally seeping in around the edges. But these words counterbalanced all of that as she recognised and honoured the value of having me in the room alongside her. (And yes, I cried again!) 

Why it’s stuck in my memory: her words emphasised everything I know about my own value in one massive emotional hit. My presence in the birth space is found not in my medical skills (FYI, I have none of them), but in the relationship I have with my clients, my holistic skill set and the ability I have to simple stay with them at all times. I am the continuity of care that so many need, but so few have as a result of rotas and system pressures. It was proof if ever I needed it (which at that vulnerable moment of exhaustion, that I absolutely did!) that as a hospital going doula, I am totally invaluable.

The change I’ve made: this one is all about me. Now, when I am at work, I walk into the medical spaces with pure confidence. I hold my own with ease in the antenatal clinic, the birth room or the debrief session not with aggression or deference, but with a confidence from comes with knowing the abilities that I possess that others in the room do not and cannot. And that type of confidence is infectious…

4. “You advocated like crazy to help this lovely family bring their baby earth side the way they wanted.” (fellow doula, anon)

The situation: it’s a rare thing for a doula to see another doula work, but on this occasion that’s just what happened. My client was already being supported by a birth-worker colleague who is a practising chiropractor and doula through her pregnancy, and she attended during labour to adjust and release her. In those hours, my friend and colleague not only supported my client and me (such a dream!) but also got to witness me work. Of course, I’ve worked in front of others: my clients, their family, their medical team. But never another doula - even if we work with back-ups, we don’t tend to occupy the same space. This was a very special thing.

Why it’s stuck in my memory: to the outsider looking in, it may not look like a doula is doing much at all and it takes a doula’s eyes and ears to understand all the work that’s going on under the surface. Her words here bought me to tears because while to all intensive purposes ‘all’ I was doing was sitting and holding my clients hand, and talking to her quietly, I was working SO hard to help her to the place she wanted to be (and it was a tough one, to be sure). While I felt valued and useful in the space, to have this feedback from someone who knew what it was to doula was so special: she saw what I was doing, she could see the short term and long term impact of it, and that meant everything.

The change I’ve made: again this is about me. The way I see and work in the birth space is not the same as every other doula (FYI, none of us are the same!) and I’m proud of that. In this age of comparison and imposter syndrome, it’s so easy to see everyone and anyone else as more skilled or better than you; that they can do more and be more helpful or effective. But this interaction, and so many of the experiences that have come from it, have given me a deep rooted belief in my abilities to support & empower my clients during pregnancy, birth and postpartum to achieve what they want and need… as much as anyone ever can, anyway!

From all of this you can probably tell that I am one of those annoying people who regrets very little in my working or personal life: every nugget of knowledge, every experience and interaction feeds into my mind and my memory, altering the future form of who I am and how I help.

As a doula who has zero intentions of ever stopping this work, I am excited to see where that next part of the adventure takes me. And if this sounds like the kind of person you want on your birth team, ping me an email and we’ll go for that coffee…