My doula guide: building your strong mindset for birth and baby life…

So often during pregnancy, people worry about whether they’ll be able to cope during labour or with postpartum.

My advice to them is always the same: work on a strong mindset, and the rest will follow.

Life as a doula (and a mum!) has taught me that strength isn’t about pushing through…

… and getting to grips with that during pregnancy is absolutely vital.

Every Bump Club I run seems to features this discussion in some way, shape or form; I never introduce or guide it, but sooner or later someone will admit that they’re starting to ask themselves…

Will I be strong enough?
What if I panic?
What if I can’t cope?

Sometimes it’s about waiting for labour, sometimes pain relief options, sometimes feeding…

Sometimes it’s simply about how on earth they’re going to live a life that’s so dramatically different from the one they’re living now.

Often, it’s the same whether they’re doing this for the first time, or the fourth.

And here’s what our chat always comes back around to: strength in pregnancy, birth and postpartum is absolutely not about bravado, or silence, or just ploughing through with your eyes shut.

That’s a performance, and often one which is masking fears and avoidance.

While these are all valid, these are absolutely not signs of strength.

Real strength comes from within you: toughness is generated from self-trust, self-belief and the support that puts you in the place to allow you navigate your birth and baby journey with confidence.

In short: it’s about your mindset.

Pregnancy, birth & postpartum is a marathon in itself…

… which is why sports psychology is often a really useful thing to include in antenatal & birth preparation.

It might surprise you to learn that when I do the background work to build my doula skill set, it’s not always explicitly about birth.

A great example is my absolute love of the book ‘Do Hard Things’ by Steve Magness .

A book focused on sports psychology.

A book that explores what keeps marathon runners, Olympians and american football players meeting their potential.

But a book which absolutely - when you think about it - tied into the preparing for, navigating and coping with birth & baby life.

The cross-overs are really simple: both experiences are tough.

Navigating them positively means developing the strength to get us through.

In advance.

Just as running a marathon takes preparation, persistence, grit, decision-making, digging deep and knowing your limits, so does giving birth.

The problem really is that this doesn’t always sit well with the stereotypical idea of what toughness and strength is.

That typical idea of head-down-carry-on-whatever approach to strength doesn’t fit with what’s needed to do the things that create the resilience and perseverance needed to get through the situation positively.

Feeling strong enough…

Feeling tough enough…

Feeling competent enough…

This is all vital to navigate the challenges of pregnancy, labour, birth and postpartum.

But for so means really addressing and re-learning about what it is to be tough and strong in the first place.

“How can I get stronger and tougher for my birth…?”

If this has crept into your pregnant brain, you need to tackle it by digging into it further. These 10 thinking points will help you to do that…

Q1 : How do I really feel about birth and postpartum?

Dig into it by… making a list of words and phrases you’d associate with both. These could be things like events, associations, emotions, hopes, fears, goals… anything really. Keep going until your brain feels empty.

And then go deeper by… evaluating whether you see birth and postpartum as a threat (i.e. something that presents a danger or problem to you and your way of life) or a challenge (i.e. something that will be difficult but that can be overcome).

Be honest with yourself: if you see it as a challenge, your birth preparation may focus on equipping yourself with the tools to navigate the obstacles. But if you see it is a threat, you may well need some more support to help you to build your mindset.

Q2: What is my definition of being strong and tough during labour?

Dig into it by… dumping all of the thoughts, ideas and shade of meaning in your head onto a piece of paper in whatever shape or form works best for you. Mind-maps, bullet-points, stream of consciousness writing… get it all out.

And then go deeper by… coming back a day or two later, and look over it. What trends or patterns do you see? Is your perception of strength about performance (aka looking strong) or navigating and tapping into your own needs (aka being strong). The key is not knowing if what you think is right or not, but to see whether your perception is linked to realistic for birth.

If you can confidently say that it is, then ace.

But if there are any question marks around this, it might be wise to do some work around what real strength and toughness looks and feels like during pregnancy, labour and the first year of life as a parent.

Q3: How do I deal with tricky situations and challenges?

Dig into it by… thinking about the last time you faced a tricky situation or intense challenge. How did you deal with it? Did you…

• freeze? (aka not know what to do and do nothing)

• fawn? (aka do what someone else told you to do)

• react? (aka rapid, knee-jerk reaction without thought)

• respond? (aka taking the time to think and considering what to do)

And then go deeper by… figuring out whether that response showed the strength and toughness you expect for yourself.

• If yes, fantastic - how can you make sure that the conditions that got you there are present in your birth and baby space.

• If no, what stopped you from achieving that? What support or strategies do you have to make the changes you need?

Q4: What, realistically, do I need to be truly strong?

Dig into it by… thinking honestly and critically (in a constructive way, of course) about the type of person you are. What’s your pain threshold like? How does your mind respond to pressure, intensity and pain? How well do you make decisions and who do you turn to for help? What helps you to cope and what hinders it? Discuss this with someone who’ll also hold this space for you without judgement.

And then go deeper by… sinking into this reality without any sense of dismissing, hiding or covering anything up. Then create a knowledge-base and support system that meets the needs that you have. This is an act of strength in itself.

Q5: What can I control & what can I not?

Dig into it by… getting to grips (I mean properly from a logistical and legal stance, not just from hearsay) about what you can influence, dictate, choose and decide to do during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. If there are any question marks or areas of doubt, do the research and the learning needed to satisfy that curiosity or gap in your knowledge.

And then go deeper by… creating the structures and securities you need to be able to deal with the elements you can’t control which bother you. This might mean looking outside of the box, or thinking about pregnancy, birth and baby life in a slightly different way. It might mean turning to others for specific forms of support, even if that’s not in your normal nature.

Q6: Why am I doing all of this?

Dig into it by… exploring why you want to do pregnancy, give birth and raise your baby in the way that you do with absolute pride and positivity (FYI: there’s no right or wrong way to do it, so there should never be any sense of shame in my book). Finding your why will help you do identify the internal motivation that is so important to strength.

And then go deeper by… assessing the likelihood that you’ll be able to keep that motivation at the center of everything. What obstacles will you face? What might change the way you’re thinking or feeling? How do you feel about that? Do you need some more support to help you stay on track?

Q7: Do I believe that I am capable of doing and using all of this?

Dig into it by… sitting with the question, discussing it openly and being honest about your answer. Trust me, you can and you will - but if it’s to happen positively, with you in control as opposed to happening to you, it’s essential that you understand your own unique strengths and weaknesses. Not so that you feel judged or silly, but so you can work with them and make them work for you.

And then go deeper by… recognising these strengths and weaknesses, sharing them with your support team and telling them what they need to do to help you find strength even at the most challenging of moments.

Possessing strength and toughness is a key part of preparing for birth and the baby life beyond.

These are the things that will get you through the challenges and obstacles, and out the other side feeling proud of yourself and all you have achieved. But these qualities are internal - they sit within your thought patterns, your mindset and your self-perception. You can’t see them externally and they are wholly personal to you.

Developing strength and toughness is a key part of how I support my antenatal, birth and postpartum families, and it’s never to early (or late!) to start working on it.

So what are you waiting for? Send me an email…