My favourite type of birth? It’s not what you’d think…
My favourite kind of birth isn’t a homebirth, hospital birth, caesarean or waterbirth.
It’s the one where you turn to me and tell me how proud, strong and amazed you are of your own achievements.
FYI: this isn’t always easy to achieve.
Positive birth experiences start well before the contractions do; that’s why birth preparation is such a big part of who I am, and the birth and antenatal support I provide…
I have an issue with the way some antenatal providers advertise themselves…
There’s nothing that annoys me more than false promises. In the birth world, I see it everywhere…
You know the narrative I am talking about here:
breathe this way and you’ll have a calm birth.
buy this wooden comb and you won’t need an epidural.
do some soul searching and you’ll get your homebirth.
say no to all interventions and things will be fine.
Trust me when I say this messaging is a big pile of poo. Not because they’re lies - for some people in some situations - these ideals are a reality.
But not for all.
Yes, sometimes breathwork, birth-combs and soul-searching will be the anchor that keeps you steady through birth: sometimes they won’t. But the things themselves aren’t the issue, it’s the absolute-ness of the statements that makes my skin itch.
Because it sounds like a guarantee, doesn’t it.
“Do this and you’ll get that”
By association, therefore, if that desired outcome hasn’t been achieved it’s probably because you didn’t try hard enough. AKA you, in some way, failed.
This is NOT true. Implying it is NOT okay.
But I don’t need to tell you that. You know that.
But what you might not know, is that in their subconscious awareness of this very ‘not okayness’, more and more people are going into self-defence mode.
“I’d love a waterbirth but I’m not getting my hopes up…"
In the world of birth preparation, self-defence often translates to avoiding disappointment.
When antenatal clients tell me this, they’ve told me all I need to know about their mindset…
When someone says this to me (which they do a lot!), it tells me a lot about where their brain is at…
They already have their heart set on a waterbirth.
They know a lot of people for whom that hasn’t happened.
They don’t want to feel the disappointment they did.
They ultimately see a positive birth as associated with a place and mode of delivery.
And while none of those scream ‘positivity’, believe me when I say that as a doula and an antenatal educator, this is VERY important information.
Knowing about someone’s mindset - towards themselves, their body and their baby’s arrival - is absolutely key. My job is very much about helping things to go smoother, be positive and feel as manageable as possible.
SO much of this starts with their mind.
Much like a teenager will say that they ‘don’t care’ that they haven’t been uninvited to a party, so will a pregnant person say they ‘don’t mind what happens so long as everyone is healthy’’: it might be true for a few, but it’s an affirmation designed to skirt over the feelings of vulnerability, weakness and fear that are sat in their minds.
Statements like this tell me they:
… know what they want but they’re scared that they won’t get it.
… are carrying a lot of negative ideas around birth.
… are making decisions from a place of fear rather than confidence.
… have not started to consider their emotions in labour (yet!)
And this is just as bad as the false promises; the sense of failure and disappointment is just as likely, purely because of science.
“Why write a birth-plan? It won’t happen…”
Which is why statements like this are so important for me to hear: what they’re saying is protective.
Unpicking the fears they’re protecting themselves from is where we start.
Human beings birth well when we feel safe, feel in control of what we can control, and feel supported in navigating those deep and inner most emotions. These emotional states give our brains the cues that power birth. When we genuinely, deeply and authentically feel this way, our adrenaline drops and our oxytocin rises.
This is what a (spontaneously or induced) labouring body needs to bring your baby earthside.
It’s what a post-caesarean body needs to heal well, bond with baby and boost the milk production.
But let’s look at this exactly as it is: this is ALL to do with emotions and hormones.
Absolutely ZERO-PERCENT of it is to do with how, where and when your baby is born.
And that’s exactly why those antenatal marketing strategies I talked about earlier do my head in.
Those guarantee like promises focus on the what, the when and the how. Disappointment comes from these solid, tangible goals; not reaching the milestone you’d set your heart on is likely to make you feel sad, and so you avoid setting that milestone. Problem solved.
But this seemingly blissful ignorance can actually increase the potential for your adrenaline to rise, thus limiting oxytocin production and therefore derailing birth and feeding journeys:
Not knowing what’s ahead leaves you open to continual ‘is this normal’ questions that can create a sense of worry and panic.
Labouring brains don’t make rational decisions; not making key decisions before hand increases the chance you’ll make rushed, emotional decisions based on fear.
Not writing down your hopes, fears and goals around birth - in an open and honest way - before birth makes it harder for your partner & midwife to support you.
The truth is that preparing for birth takes many forms, and the good ones all share the same goal: boosting your sense of safety, control, confidence and ultimately the tools you have to boost oxytocin.
To do that we have to confront and work through worries, anxieties and fears, but done right it shouldn’t feel scary or too overwhelming. Positive birth preparation can and does support people to find their path to a better birth experience, not in the destination but through the journey itself.
Antenatal classes can give you a sense of reassurance & confidence about what’s normal for labour, thus increasing your calm.
Birth plans give you a clear sense of control over the controllable, and give your birth team guidance on what to do (and not do) to keep you in that productive, positive birth space.
Talking honestly and openly about birth with the people that will be supporting you bring those strong emotions to the fore: while it may feel risky or uncomfortable to do so, it will give the people around you the tools to help counterbalance adrenaline and boost oxytocin.
My antenatal classes give knowledge, options and choices…
… because, as a birth doula, I know what a difference that can make to a birth story.
As a doula, I spend months helping clients to explore all of the options (not just the immediately obvious ones) to find the path forward they want. In the birth space, I spend hours - sometimes days - helping my clients to manage their sensations, emotions and decisions so that they emerge from the birth room feeling amazed at everything they’ve achieved, however their baby was born.
As an antenatal educator, I bring this lived experience into courses that I’ve specifically designed to give families the tools to takeaway and use for themselves. In their own time, and in their own way, they can do the work they need to emerge from their birth feeling this way.
This isn’t about an ideology or an approach, but simply choice. Full, unbiased and deeply authentic choice.
Which is why we cover..
What your options really are (yep, ALL of them).
What the pros and cons do you see for each of them.
Which parts make you feel fearful, icky or scared?
Which option(s) makes you feel genuinely safe?
How can you navigate the path in a way that gives you a sense of control.
No shoulds. No musts. No absolutes.
Just the knowledge, discussions and support that empowers you to make this journey into parenthood your own.
Good preparation for birth starts and ends with you: your hopes & fears, your knowledge & needs, your preferences & priorities.
When you’ve got that, a positive birth experience is so much more achievable.
Giving my clients access to that is what gets me out of bed in the morning (and sometimes in the middle of the night!) Sound good? Take a look at my antenatal course options: whether you’d prefer a group birth preparation class or a private antenatal experience, tailoring something to you is my absolute mission.
Get in touch and we’ll start the conversation that could be a game-changer for your birth…
