You're not bad at this: here’s the real reason pregnancy and postpartum feel so overwhelming.
I am not going to promise you an Instagram reality (we all know that doesn’t exist) but pregnancy and postpartum don’t need to be as stressful as the life so many of us lead.
Here’s my doula guide to ways to help you stop living in survival mode and get a calmer, more confident birth and baby journey.
My boss’ parting words to me as I left for my first maternity leave were, ‘Go home and relax now.’
I could have punched her.
Because whoever decided that telling someone to relax, would make them relax, is a moron.
Getting rid of stress doesn’t work like that in normal terms.
But when it comes to someone who’s pregnant, in labour or postpartum, telling them to ‘relax’ is absolutely guaranteed to make their stress levels worse.
It creates a level of pressure around something that we’re already trying to do, like we’re already not doing something well enough. I don’t need to explain where thought processes tend to go from there.
That’s what it did to me anyway.
Now my boss’ sentence - though well-meant I am sure - frustrated the hell out of me.
Not because I didn’t know how to relax; I was very good at sitting down and watching Netflix on repeat, went to pregnancy yoga and knew every good cafe spot within a 10 mile radius.
The problem was that every ounce of my brain and body were primed and ready to act.
To clean.
To cook.
To fold onesies and match teeny weeny socks that would never see their partner again.
So while I had scheduled all the relaxing things, and visibly ‘did’ all the relaxing things, my brain was never ever there.
Looking back, knowing what I know now as a doula and antenatal teacher, I know that this had serious and not particularly fun consequences for the way my labour and postpartum unfolded for me.
Which is why I am writing this.
You don’t need to make the same massive mindset mistakes I did.
Pregnancy and postpartum are keeping you on high alert for good reason.
Understanding how and why makes perinatal stress so much easier to tackle.
Right, I’ll keep this as simple as I can.
Humans have existed for as long as we have because we’re really good at spotting danger, and doing something about it.
Adrenaline and cortisol help you to find the threat around you, be they real or imagined, and then gives you one of the four responses humans have developed to keep you alive and strong:
Defend: we confront the threat (fight response)
Escape: we flee the threat (flight response)
Back down: we become totally submissive (freeze response)
People-please: we make the threat like us so it doesn’t attack us (fawn response)
It’s logical to see these responses as being linked to physical threats (think… sabre-toothed tiger or rampaging woolly-mammoth).
That’s absolutely how they developed.
But your brain doesn’t recognise the type of threat, or the rationality of a threat, but just sees the fact that something is a threat.
In a modern context, threats are far more broad.
Yes, it could be a physical threat (eg: a robber, or angry dog)
But it could also be an emotional threat (eg: someone who makes you feel unsafe), a threat to your identity (eg: losing a job title or moving away from a life that you felt like you), a threat to your legitimacy (eg: moving from a place of knowledge to knowing nothing) or a sensory threat (eg: where something in your body doesn’t feel right).
I think you’ll agree, these are all things which happen a whole lot during pregnancy, birth and postpartum.
Which means that during this period of your life, your nervous system is one adrenaline and cortisol filled mess.
As your eyes, ears, skin, muscles, nerves, taste and sense of smell detect things that they just don’t recognise, and you imagination takes you to places you’ve never been before, so your body releases the adrenaline and cortisol needed to create the reactions that keep you safe.
And just like this existence is constant, so will the hormonal reaction be, which is why so many pregnant & postpartum mums feel like they’re consistently on edge and unable to relax.
Put simply, you’re not broken or ridiculous; you’re stressed because your nervous system believes you’re under threat.
The way out of this is equally as simple: you need to tell your body and brain that you are safe.
Making your pregnant and postpartum body feel safe again.
You’ll notice that a lot of the strategies below will also be found in a hypnobirthing book or birth preparation class.
That’s because they are nervous system reset tools that give the hormonal centers in your brain to stand down, allowing you to chill out.
Of course, being able to tell your brain you’re safe with a proactive approach to nervous system regulation is essential part of positive births.
And while these tools are a core part of my birth workshops and antenatal classes, they are not restricted to birth spaces.
As tools they can be beneficial for pregnancy and postpartum life too.
1.Breath like you’re safe: create a long exhale and a rhythmic pattern!
If you are exhaling quickly, your body thinks you’re trying to react to something quickly, so raises adrenaline in turn. Slowing your exhale down will tell your amygdala that all is okay and everything is under control.
Candle breath: light a candle and take a deep breath in. Place the candle as close as your lips as you safely can and gently, and with control exhale without extinguishing the flame. This may take practice! Repeat for several minutes (relighting the candle if you need to) until you notice that you feel calmer and more centered.
2.Move casually; this is fun, not an escape route!
Walking quickly, running or trying to do anything fast - especially when it’s not needed - is a sure fire signal to your brain that it needs to give you the tools to flee or fight. Slowing your pace down and moving with intention will reverse this process.
When you’re walking or generally moving around, focus on your feet: what does it feel like to move? What part of the feet are working when, and how does the floor beneath your feet feel? Creating this mindful focus will slow you down naturally and reduce adrenaline.
3. Respect sleep; you don’t need to be awake right now!
The adage ‘sleep is for the week’ does not apply right now; your body is working hard and will tell you when it’s had enough. Pushing it beyond capacity isn’t strength, it’s stress and your body will flood with cortisol and adrenaline to make it happen.
Ignore bedtimes - maybe even get rid of clocks if you can during the evening. Have luxurious sleepy routines (nice drinks, cosy bed linen, particular music perhaps) to help your weary body sink into rest and allow your nervous system to come down too.
4.Eat before empty; you’re not on wartime rations!
Much like the sleep issue, your body needs masses of energy right now. Keeping to a timetable of eating - like we would before pregnancy - can inadvertently put your body into stress mode as it draws on it’s reserves to keep going when it’s out of fuel.
Fill your home with nutrient rich, delicious snacks that you’ll feel excited to snaffle down whatever time of day it is. If they’re one-handed, even better for postpartum life! This will let your body know it has everything it needs, and doesn’t need to be on the countdown to the next feed stop.
5.Protect your peace; a strong boundary lowers the likelihood of battle!
Your progesterone and estrogen levels are fluxing like crazy right now, and this increases your sensitivity to social pressures and relationship frustrations. Basically, we have zero f***s to give and we lose a lot of our restraint. But equally, no one wants conflict or arguments either.
Setting boundaries around your time, your interactions and the advice you are (and are not) willing to hear or take at this stage, will help to keep annoyances to a minimum. It’s not about being rude - it’s about protecting your nervous system and your mental health, and anyone who loves you will (hopefully, eventually) be able to respect that.
If you’ve got this far, I’d wager that it’s because - much like I was during my first pregnancy and postpartum - you’re feeling the weight of overwhelm.
You’re not alone. This is such a common part of the birth and baby journey, but common doesn’t mean normal; you don’t have to feel this way and the strategies detailed above can help life to feel easier.
But it’s not always easy to put them into practice by yourself, which is where my support might well come in. Whether you want a Power Hour, a birth preparation workshop, an antenatal course, or full doula support, I am here to make your pregnancy, birth and postpartum experience better.
Pop me an email, let me know what you need and I’ll do my absolute best to make it happen for you.
